I officially retired my gym sneakers today. The soles are coming off the bottom so they are done. They have been in my gym bag for at least ten years. They have been reliable and comfortable which is about all you can ask for from a pair of shoes. I have beat them up pretty good through the years. They survived countless abuse on the treadmill, the elliptical machine, stepper and other exercise duties.
Kathy has tried to throw them away numerous times. I have resisted because the shoes are like old friends. They don’t have the best support or cushioning, yet they are soft, pull on easy and dependable.
I have to admit that I have a bunch of clothes that are like this. They don’t look great, but they are worn in, soft to the touch, and always there when I need them. Kathy has actually ripped shirts off of me when she is over my friendship with a particular shirt that I am fond of.
Do you have friends like this? Not clothes, but folks who have these characteristics?
Friends that you have known for a very long time.
Friends that are easy.
Friends where you pick right up where you left off.
Friends that are soft and comfortable.
Friends that don’t care what you look like.
Friends that are always dependable.
Maybe you should let them know how much you appreciate them? We lose track of time and sooner of later they may come apart like my shoes.
My shoes provided me with a very long relationship, and it may be crazy, but I will miss them. I bought a new pair and they have far better cushioning but they are stiff and not nearly as comfortable Over time I will break them in and I am sure they will be fine. But I will miss my old friends. I am grateful for the many years we had together!
There is a very damaging phenomena that has overwhelmed our culture and threatens every type of relationship. I’m not sure what the roots are here but the results are clear. What is this phenomena? We have become a society obsessed with being right.
Somewhere along the way we have reached the conclusion that being right is THE most important thing. Social media and the internet have fueled a nasty discourse where you can trash someone and get supported and rewarded with more followers. A healthy dialogue, where you can argue your side, should be a positive thing. But we have digressed to nasty name calling and truly outrageous comments. Reminds me of the childish level of “Your momma wears army boots!”.
In addition to the onslaught on social media the “always right” crowd has invaded business and personal relationships also. Does being right give you the license for character assassination? Can someone make a mistake or do something less than perfect and still be respected for who they are? Is the goal of this life to make sure everyone knows how intelligent or righteous or pure you are? Jesus called these folks “white washed tombs”.
The other side of this is that the need to be right all the time is a pure people repellent. Nobody likes a “know-it-all” or someone that is constantly correcting them or pointing out there faults. Relationships and marriages are nuked every day by folks continually dwelling on faults, relational mistakes and personality quirks to the point of a breakup.
I’m sure in the cases of the internet and social media, the electronic separation provides the “courage” to make stupid and outrageous statements. But I think the basis for this obsession with being right has been around since the beginning of man. Yet the source of this new increased obsession with being right may be a flawed value system, our competitive nature, and on a deeper level- our own selfish pride. Let’s look at each of these.
Value System Often the “always right” crowd believe that they are either smarter than you or they are simply better than you. Again I think the internet and social media have a role here in providing nearly unlimited information about a subject. The problem is that you can easily find another argument to discredit your beliefs. Beyond the intellectual side, the always right crowd may feel that they are simply better than the other party. They may feel that they care more, give more, feel more, have less faults, think purely, and live an impeccable life. They may have developed a value system that is based on their superiority and their internally applied pursuit of perfection. Even if they are truly better, it does not give them the right to trash others or look down on others views, opinions, faults or shortcomings. Gossip fuels the value system of the always right. Talking someone down lifts up the person who is involved in gossip. The Bible says you need to remove the plank from your own eye before judging the splinter in others. Being right has become their value system and their identity.
Competitive Nature We are born with a competitive nature. At the earliest age kids will fight for toys and treats. We tend to celebrate competitiveness in our society and some folks personalities are prone to seek out competition and aggression. Having a strong competitive nature exhibits itself in many ways that may not be immediately recognized. The self-induced need to be the best and perform to excess can be a sign of this nature. By seeking to make yourself first you are naturally putting others down. To admit to being wrong goes against the need to put yourself first. I have personally witnessed competitive folks squirm when they are cornered and have to accept that they were wrong.
Pride Last but not least. Our pride pushes us to build a case that we are right in every circumstance. If someone says or does something that we believe is wrong, we will often respond or react due to our own pride and what others would think about the situation. We are worried more about what others will think about US than about the OTHER person or the situation that you are in. We will actually trash others in the pursuit of being right in order to support how others view us. We are worried that we will look weak or supportive of a bad situation. We are worried that we may lose respect from our family or our circle of friends. We worry more about OUR image than the OTHER person’s image who we have determined is wrong. Being right doesn’t give you a free pass to destroy others EVEN IF YOU ARE RIGHT.
This is a complicated issue but it appears that the need to be right is growing. This need to be right can blind your behavior and result in doing things that are stupid and cruel clouded in a crazy righteous haze. We have forgotten about trusting the Lord to take care of things. We have forgotten about grace. We have forgotten to consider the relationship on the other side. We have forgotten about respect. We have forgotten to love first. All in the insatiable need to protect our image, win an argument, or exert power over someone else.
What you should do is question yourself. Are your motives to be right to help the other person to see a different perspective or are you simply correcting them? Are your motives to help them, not exert your power over them? Do I have their best interest in mind? Is this issue worth the discussion or should I just let it go? Am I presenting this in a positive and loving way? Failing to check yourself may allow emotion to overtake the situation and lead to serious regrets. And ultimately, placing the ultimate value on being right may make you 100% right but 100% alone.
So what do you think? Have we become so self-righteous that we can’t control ourselves with our comments? Is this something you have viewed personally? Click on “Leave a Comment” and let me hear your story!
When my daughter was in elementary school she learned a painful lesson. She had a friend who forgot their permission slip to go on a class trip to an amusement park. This was the last day that the teacher would accept them. To help her friend, my daughter signed her mom’s name to the permission slip and the teacher saw her do it. Obviously the teacher was upset by this and punished my daughter by not allowing her to attend the class trip.
When she got home and told us the story, we were very upset with our daughter, but she was absolutely crushed. This was her end of the year class trip and now she was not allowed to go. We realized that we could ask the teacher to let her go and tell her that we would punish her for her actions. Or we could have blamed the school, the teacher, the rules or anything else other than our daughter. We could have told them that she was under a lot of stress. That she was only trying to help. That the school should have allowed more time. We could have come up with a million excuses for her action. But we didn’t do that.
We held her responsible for her actions and she was not allowed to go on the class trip.
Oh, how times have changed. We live in a new age where no one is responsible for anything. It’s not my fault. I have problems. I am disadvantaged. I’m not responsible. I forget things. I’m distracted. It’s not important to me. I don’t care. You should take care of it for me. Your taking advantage of me. Your being mean to me. I need more time. I’ll do it later. I’m not smart enough. I can’t remember very well. I just can’t do it…
We have created more reasons for not doing the right thing than to actually do the right thing. We coddle both young and old into thinking that there is always a way out. You can talk and excuse your way out of everything. We have raised a generation that believes that everything is not their fault and encouraged them to use excuses and negativity as a safety valve when they get caught up in a bad decision.
While I believe we should be sympathetic and understanding to social barriers and personal situations, I believe its time to return to responsibility. If you make a poor decision, then you should be held accountable for the decision and the ramifications. We are raising our children and creating a society that believes that their is no defined right or wrong. How messed up is that? My daughter grew up in the inventive spelling and participation trophy generation. We don’t want to hurt their imagination or their feelings. Suppressing responsibility and delaying the truth. This results in a rude awakening when the real world kicks in.
We can all make reasonable excuses when bad things happen. We all have a past, personality characteristics and flaws that we have to overcome. Some situations are complex with many characters and lots of moving parts. Certainly there are countless opportunities to place blame on others. Yet the true leaders of the world understand that taking responsibility is an essential characteristic of leadership. Making excuses does not make you strong- it makes you a weak leader. Your team will not respect you if all you do is deflect and blame others. Accept your past, your flaws, and your situation and overcome them!
Stay positive and believe in yourself and you can fight through any situation. Take the time to think before you act. Seems simple- but we can be so impulsive and ruled by emotion. Ask for advice if you are unsure. Sleep on really tough decisions. Don’t take unnecessary risks. Your integrity is a priceless jewel- don’t risk it. And in the end, If you mess up or things go badly, take responsibility for the outcome. This is not always easy but you will be better for it!
So what do you think? Are we living in an age of no responsibility? Do you think we need to own up to our failures and mistakes? Please let me know by pressing “Leave a Comment” and let me know what you think!
I have been deeply involved in recruiting in helping to build a construction renovation company. Anyone that is looking for help knows how difficult the current market is for finding talented help. There is simply not enough qualified and experienced candidates for the positions that are open.
In past years, finding new help was rather easy. There always seemed to be sufficient candidates in the labor market seeking employment opportunities. Often these positions would be filled by word of mouth referrals or employment ads and we would interview, select the best candidate and then simply get them plugged in. Today, the labor market is stretched extremely thin. Rather than finding a great candidate, we are often stuck with settling for what is available.
The bad news is that,looking forward, I believe this tight labor market will not change.
So what is the best solution to this problem? Companies need talented folks, often with specialized skills. If you are able to find experienced candidates, they will likely bust your compensation structure. Or they may come with serious baggage. Or they may be someone elses problem that they jettisoned. What do you do?
I believe that we are moving into an era where training and mentoring will be the most important focus of a successful company. We must have the programs and a company culture in place to train, prepare and raise up talent from within our organizations. We cannot rely on simply seeking new help from the traditional labor market. Most companies have some training protocol for new hires and existing employees. I believe most of these programs will fall far short in this new normal. Most organizations will need to shift the entire company culture to place valuable time and resources on training and mentoring to grow, or just even sustain, their businesses. Here are a few areas of focus:
Written Policies and Procedures
In order to teach you need a textbook or a place to store information. Additionally, all team members need to be conducting themselves in a organized and cohesive manner to ensure best results. I used to coach basketball and the players would often get out of the offense and start to freelance. When this happened, I would call time out and get them to huddle up and tell them this: If you continue to get out of the offense I cannot help you win the game. You will be on your own. You may win or you may not. If you don’t follow the plays I have no way of really analyzing what we need to do to win. I can’t help you. It will be a free for all and I will become nothing but a spectator. Same is true without written policies and procedures. In order to train and mentor you need the approved and best practices documented. Verbal teaching is great but they will only remember part of the instruction. They will forget. Documenting all policies and procedures is a beast. At a previous employer, I coordinated, wrote and edited a 600 page policies and procedures manual that included all processes of the company. In order to complete the task, we divided it up by each departments and I edited the content for clarity and continuity and we used the same format for each procedural element. This is a big job, yet it is absolutely necessary to provide structure for training.
A Complete Shift Of Culture To Training
Training must be constant and be present up and down in the chain of command. The excuse that you don’t have time to train needs to be abolished completely. Everyone is a trainer. All team members must stop and take the time to teach, explain, model and mentor. This can only be accomplished by reinforcing and believing in the true value and importance of training starting at the top of the organization and then emanating down through all levels of the organization. Every person must teach and help to lift others up. Abolish the typical HR training responsibility and spread the responsibility across the entire company.
Model Successful Behaviors
Bring your assistants and new recruits to higher level and sensitive meetings and strategy sessions so they can see how you handle different situations. I didn’t realize the power of this until later in my career. My team members would let me know later that they learned a particular technique by watching the way I handled some tough situations. It may not be the most efficient way by having extra bodies and it may change the dynamics of the room a bit but these situational opportunities are infinitely valuable. A quick debrief after will also assist in cementing these learned strategies in their memories.
Formal Training Programs
Many companies have training programs that are generic and really lack the proper amount of focus to their particular operations and issues that need to be addressed. Training should focus on real company issues that are real, reoccurring and causing damage to the company. Focus on the areas that will bring the greatest results. Training should not be developed by the training department or HR. They can help coordinate, but the best training is designed by each department to handle specific issues. This will provide actual, positive and scalable results. Developing training is not easy. Just putting on a video and having a little multiple choice test is not enough. Training must be precisely targeted. Training should stretch you. It should be difficult. It should make you a little uncomfortable. Role playing exercises are extremely effective. Develop scenarios of problems with characters and have them act out ways to respond to the problems. Leadership training is also extremely valuable. The most successful businesses are led by accomplished leaders and most folks leadership skills need serious help.
Create A Cohesive Team Environment
The best training companies have strong company cultures where everyone is working together with clear goals and expectations. A previous employer called me a cheerleader for the company as I understood the importance of this characteristic. If you have a cohesive unit, they will naturally help and teach each other. If the goals and expectations are clear, there is no question what the next step in required skills for your career path or any hesitancy in exercising these new skills. Leaders need to build strong bonds and reward behaviors that help to strengthen the group. There is no force greater than a team that cares for each other and works together for a common goal.
These are a few of the major items that will help to foster an environment of continual training. As a life long learner, I have experienced the power in mastering new skills. I have personally witnessed the power of learning new skills and the associated resulting career advancement. Additionally, I have been rewarded with gratitude from former team mates who learned specific and valuable skills as I took the time to teach throughout my career. Don’t let this opportunity go to waste. You have a captive audience in employing your team. Take every opportunity to teach and stretch your team so they will grow and mature into tomorrows leaders. You really have no choice. Training is no longer an option. The plug and play days are gone. Move on to the new normal of raising up your leaders from within your organization. Train or die!
So what do you think? Have you also experienced this tight labor market? Do you have a success story or solution you would like to share? Please click on “Leave a Comment” and let me know what you think!
If you ask people this rather simple question you are likely to get several answers from each person. They may provide descriptions such as father, accountant, golfer, husband, believer, friend, etc. These titles provide some of the identities that make up their being as they see it. These descriptions are really roles in our lives. Each of these descriptions are different and unique. There are also descriptions that may be less role based. For example, they might say they are compassionate, thoughtful, a leader, a listener, a perfectionist, a servant, etc. These responses would describe the characteristics of who they think they are.
All of this to say- Who Are You?
I believe that much of the value in our roles are based on what WE DO rather than WHAT WE THINK WE ARE. We tend to tell ourselves that we value roles that we don’t really act out in our everyday lives. YOU WILL DO WHAT YOU VALUE. We have a way of filtering out our roles and identities based on the time investment in fulfilling each different role.
If you value your role as a father, you WILL spend the time that is necessary to fulfill this role.
If you value your role as an executive, you WILL spend the time that is necessary to fulfill this role.
If you value your role as as a friend, you WILL spend the time that is necessary to fulfill this role.
If you value your role as a Believer, you WILL spend the time that is necessary to fulfill this role.
Maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your time and where you allocate your efforts to fulfill a particular role in your life. By spending a large portion of your time in a particular role, you are placing personal value towards this role and thus you may be minimizing other important roles. Realize that it is likely that you are choosing certain roles that give YOU the most value. The roles that feed your ego and make you feel good. In the midst of this you may be neglecting roles that are vitally important in your life.
I believe that it is a healthy exercise to examine where you are allocating your time and efforts to make sure that they are in balance with your goals and responsibilities. We have a way of fooling ourselves believing that the role that brings us the most gratification or affirmation is our most important role! Chances are you may be neglecting some other area of your life. This examination may lead to changes that will help to reduce regrets that will occur when your roles are way out of balance.
Take a quick and honest survey of where you are. You will be happy that you did!
So what do you think? Do we tend to perform the roles that bring us the most affirmation? Do you have an example of this that you can share? Click on “Leave a Comment” and let me know what you think!
This is a quick series of short Monday posts reviewing some of the regrets that folks commonly have when they reach the twilights of their lives. Enjoy!
“I wish I would have followed my dreams instead of doing what was responsible and expected of me.”
When I was in about middle school, I took a standardized test that was supposed to help me determine what my career choice should be based on my current likes and dislikes. I think it was called the Army Test. This was your typical fill in the bubble type test and it went through a bunch of questions where I would chose the item that suited me and what I enjoyed doing. At the end of the test, the results came back with two career choices- Home Builder and Forest Ranger.
So these may seem pretty normal except my father owned a construction business. I was already doing the “Home Builder” thing. I remember being a bit disappointed about this choice. I felt like- duh? What good was that answer? Yet, in retrospect, it may have reinforced my choice to pursue construction as a career.
Even as a boy, I had always loved the outdoors. I loved to fish and spend time in the woods so the other choice also seemed to fit. I also remember pondering that the Forest Ranger path would result in a much lower wage. Seemed like the only responsible choice was the Home Builder.
I don’t dislike construction, but I still feel that pull of the outdoors and the wilderness. In fact, getting out into the woods is my “go to” way to recharge. My way to cope with the stress and the monotony is to disappear into the woods into its breathtaking beauty:
Where it is quiet.
Where I can think.
Where things are in perfect order.
Where I can breathe.
Where I can recharge.
Construction has been good to me but I sometimes wonder about what may have happened if I had taken the Forest Ranger route. Maybe I would be more relaxed. Maybe I would have smiled more. Maybe I would have been more excited getting to work each day. Maybe my relationships would have been better. Maybe the forest is where I really belong.
The real risk in life is sometimes doing what your heart is telling you- not your head. Yet we often equate risk only to money or expectations. But life is more than just money and what other folks expect of you.
There is a reason we dream. There is a reason to the connection. I can’t go back, however, what I know now is this. Do everything you can and in our power to follow your dreams!
That’s a picture of me sitting on the front porch of our very modest house on the west side of Detroit in 1964. This was a typical working class neighborhood of story and a half houses- autoworkers, policemen, construction workers, mechanics- a classic Detroit blue collar neighborhood. This was a vibrant time for Detroit. The auto companies were booming and Motown was at its peak. The streets were filled with kids playing baseball, riding bikes, playing tag and laughter. I loved our neighborhood. There was always something fun going on. It was a safe place and I had a lot of friends.
All of this was disrupted by the riots that occurred in 1967 in Detroit. I was six years old and I remember the fear that swept through our neighborhood. Even though the majority of the unrest was in other sections of Detroit, my parents were concerned about letting us out of the house. The following year, the Detroit Tigers won the World Series and I remember the uneasiness in the car during a trip downtown to celebrate the victory. We took security for granted and my parents were not prepared to deal with this uncertainty.
Shortly after the riots, my father made the decision to move out of the City. After a search for a new home, we moved about 25 miles north of Detroit into the suburbs. This decision was not an easy one. We loved our neighborhood and the area where we lived. We were close to much of our family. We were close to shopping and parks and all the things that we liked. But the area did not feel safe anymore.
So my family joined in the exodus to the suburbs along with countless other families and businesses. After the riots, the political leadership shifted more progressive and what followed was a series of administrations characterized by corruption and mismanagement. The exodus of people and businesses and poor leadership destroyed the City that I remember. Detroit is now a shell of what it once was. Over a hundred years of success and wealth left the City, mostly to the suburbs. Detroit was once a beacon of prosperity and the fourth largest city in the country.
I worry about the effects of the current unrest, political division and the anarchist groups in our country. There are already reports in real estate publications of an exodus to the suburbs in New York City fueled by the current unrest and the COVID situation. If given the choice, security is something most families will not compromise. When people and businesses leave, the tax base erodes and this starts a financial spiral downward that is nearly impossible to stop. Additionally, in today’s business environment, most folks are no longer forced to live or work in a particular area. We are now extremely mobile. We can pick up and move. For many of us, we have found that as long as we have an internet signal, we can work. There are no concrete reasons requiring that you stay in the city.
This also has ramifications nationally. If the country takes a turn towards socialism and the central government balloons in both size and control (along with taxes), we may see another exodus. This will be an exodus out of the United States. This shift would be a result of a lack of financial security and a loss of the personal liberties that have been the trademarks and success story of the U.S. We have seen this occur in our hemisphere with Cuba and Venezuela as they shifted to communism and socialism. During these changes, countless businesses and families left their homes for security in the U.S. There are also plenty of U.S. ex-pats all over the world that have made the move to other countries for various reasons, so this option has been proven to be realistic. In today’s world and global economy, The U.S. is now competing with other countries for the residency of our U.S. citizens and businesses. Security is not something to mess with. Families and businesses will not tolerate conditions that are either unsafe or insecure.
So what happens after the riots? The exodus. You can’t expect people to tolerate insecure environments when they can find peace and prosperity somewhere else. Let’s hope and pray that the current unrest and uncertainty ends so we can avoid the downward spiral that has historically followed these events.
So what do you think? Do you think history will repeat itself to see an exodus if security is in question? Click on “Leave a Comment” and let me know what you think!
Fear is a funny thing. It has a way of freezing us up. Our natural instincts kick in and the result is that we will stop our movement and progress.
We will overthink the situation. We will seek the comfortable route or outcome. We will avoid the fear and go around it.
I am not saying that fear is a bad thing. We have been conditioned to avoid fear for safety purposes. I am sure you remember some of the advice from your Mom.
Don’t play in he road… The burner is still hot… Make sure that I know where you are at all times… Don’t go with strangers…
All of these are good advice. We should not proceed recklessly. But one of her primary purposes as a parent was to simply keep you safe. While safety is important, I’m not sure that our primary focus on safety and what is secure and predictable is always healthy in the long run.
I have learned through the years that significant growth comes from pushing through the fear by doing it afraid. This is from a guy who is more cautious by nature so this “pushing through” is not easy for me. My tendencies are to visualize and analyze the things that could go wrong. I have learned that there is a point where you just need to go and conquer the “what ifs”.
Kathy and I have served all over the world and in the inner city and have become accustomed to serving in environments that are viewed by others as unsafe. We are cautious and careful when we are in these environments. We remain aware of our surroundings and do not proceed in areas alone. Yet we have learned to push down the feelings of fear that will strangle the ability to move forward and serve. Our faith certainly contributes to our boldness and we have reached a conclusion that we have to go past and conquer the fear.
Your fear area may be public speaking. It may be leading others. It may be preforming a task that you don’t think you can accomplish.
Next time you are fearful to move forward, take a deep breath and push through it. Once you have stepped out it will be easier the next time. Fear has a way of fencing us in. There is life beyond the barrier and your world will get bigger and more rewarding. Go ahead. Move forward. Do it afraid!
So have you experienced the thrill of overcoming a fear? Please click on “leave a comment” and let me hear your story!
One of the principles that I have learned as I have gained experience and wisdom is that the answer is often hidden or the opposite of logic. This realization has led me to second guess my observations and solutions and this has been very enlightening as I examine the issue from several angles and often get conflicting solutions.
Africa 2009- Sunset on the Zambezi River
As I have coached and built-up leaders through the years, I have used this second guessing as a test on how I look at leadership and management styles and their effectiveness. For the most part I have concluded that, barring abusive behavior, as long as they are effective then their style is usually acceptable. People are somewhere between very tough to impossible to change. You work with what you got.
The outlier to this theory is how we give power to our leaders. I believe there are some pretty rigid rules in how you build a powerful leader. Much of this is common sense, yet few really follow the rules here.
The source of the power that exists in the leaders of your team comes from you! If you see a person as a weak leader, its is often a result of not being given the power and authority to do their job. You have to give it away. This narrative of weak leadership may actually be the voice in your head giving you the authority to meddle in their affairs and undermine their authority.
There are many damaging actions that thwart authority and lead to a weakened leader. Here a a few of the biggies:
Chain of Command: When you do not respect the chain of command you are undermining the authority of your leaders. If you continually direct people downstream of others you are sending a message that their leaders instructions are not important. Although you are the “big boss” and you can do whatever you want, this disregard for the authority of those you have placed in charge is damaging. Very damaging. Don’t do it.
Micromanagement: Getting in the weeds on issues and overanalyzing is damaging to authority. Accept that mistakes will happen. This is the only path to growth. Stay out of the weeds.
New Ideas: Don’t shoot down new ideas because they are not yours or they involve risk. Be receptive to new ways of doing things. This is empowering your leaders to think. To be relevant. To make a difference.
Hiding your Leaders: Celebrate and promote your leaders in the business world. Some folks will be fearful that by promoting there leaders they may loose them to another company. I say that hiding them will lead to the same result. Promote your leaders. It will strengthen your organization.
Limiting Decisions: By limiting the authority of making decisions you are also limiting their power. Give them the authority but make sure they know they own it. They will have to clean up the mess if it goes bad. This is also a path to growth.
Too many times we deduce that weak leadership is the result of a character flaw or the limited abilities of the leader we manage. The truth is that their power comes from you!
You can either build them up or tear them down. It’s your choice. If you want a strong organization you need to give your power away. Let it flow downward. Will there be problems if you let go? Yes- always. However, you will have a group of strong leaders below you and this will be a huge advantage in cleaning up the mess.
Wind them up and let them go. You’ll be happy with the results!
A place where you could go back in time and fix things that went wrong. I love some of the movies that do this. Back to the Future. Hot Tub Time Machine. Somewhere in Time. The Terminator. Go back and fix the wrong and change history.
But for now with raising kids you get one chance. ONE CHANCE. So don’t screw it up!
I certainly could have done better. More books- less sports. More one on one. Put more emphasis on the “soft side” of life. Better faith leader. More time less work. I had MANY unflattering moments where I lost my cool, lacked self-control or did something incredibly stupid that I wish I could have taken back.
The problem is that you can’t start over. They can’t unforget things. We can’t change time like the time travelers.
But we did do some things right. And these things had an impact on our kids lives. They really made a difference. And it helped form the way that my children see the world. We were not perfect, but have some things that went well. Here are a few of the highlights:
Hard Work: The only place a child will learn (at least in the U.S.) to work hard is at home. My father taught me that lesson and we did our best to teach it to our children. You need to work to get what you want. Nothing will be handed to you. You have to work for it. This requires sweat and effort. Get your kids off the couch and make them work. If they understand what hard work looks like, they will be a contributor. They will be a good citizen. They will be able to make a difference in the world. It’s your responsibility- not theirs.
Value of Money: The best thing we did for our kids is to have little money. This was really a circumstance- but it had great power. They did not get everything they wanted. They understood that wants are not needs. We raised them in a very modest lifestyle that allowed them to see that money is earned and not picked off a tree in the backyard. Kathy would gather the pennies and roll them and take them to the bank. They knew about the value of money. They learned how to save. I don’t know how you can raise children in an affluent houshold and get this message across.
Good Grades: We instilled a culture of excellence in school work. I did not give my kids the choice to go to college. Why in the world would you do that? Ask a child if he wants to continue the seeming misery of school work? Seems like most would take the easy route. That’s not parenting. We had our own grading system and we rewarded good grades and good reports from school. Just like the workplace- right? Why would you NOT do this for your kids?
Tradition: We always worked to create things that were uniquely ours. Family traditions. We created traditions that were only ours. Don’t overlook the power here. Children love this. They crave structure and predictability. They thrive in it. Create a rhythm to their lives. Give them something that is uniquely for your family. Even silly stuff. They will remember even the smallest details. Make it your family’s own. Big power here.
Competition: We encouraged our children to compete in sports, arts, activities and other areas. The world will make them compete. By sheltering them or ignoring this fact you may be setting them up for failure. Competition can be ugly and daunting for a parent. But YOU need to get them ready. This is your job. No one else will do this.
There are more to this list but this is a few majors. The point is- you have to be an active parent. It’s not an easy job. But you can’t jump in the time machine. You can’t change it once it’s done. Don’t have regrets. Do the very best you can. Push your children. They are not your buddies. They want instruction. They want structure. Give them what they need to thrive. You can’t go back. No “do over” here!
So what do your think? I know many would love the time machine but we can’t go back. One time. One chance. Do you agree? Click on “Leave a Message” and tell me what you think!